These kids today with their Five Hour Energy and their smirking pitchmen.
I remember in my day, if we needed a pick me up, we had to get by with Mountain Dew.
At least Mountain Dew branded itself as EXTREME.
You pound a Mountain Dew and you were ready to jump off the side of a frigging mountain wearing skis and day-glo nylon ski suits.
If you wanted to get really amped up, you’d grab a Jolt. They sold it in glass bottles and it had a lightning bolt on it.
A LIGHTNING BOLT! That’s how you know know it was serious.
But what does a person who takes Five Hour Energy aspire to?
Being the smarmy office know-it-all who goes around raising his eyebrows and thumbing at their laconic cubicle-mates?
Really? What, are you going to out-grin these people with all your energy?
You need to take an energy drink so you can be a better drone?
Give me a fucking break.
And remember kids: “No crash” means no sugar crash.
Now get off my lawn!