The Man Who Could Only Smirk

These kids today with their Five Hour Energy and their smirking pitchmen.


I remember in my day, if we needed a pick me up, we had to get by with Mountain Dew.

At least Mountain Dew branded itself as EXTREME.

You pound a Mountain Dew and you were ready to jump off the side of a frigging mountain wearing skis and day-glo nylon ski suits.

If you wanted to get really amped up, you’d grab a Jolt. They sold it in glass bottles and it had a lightning bolt on it.

A LIGHTNING BOLT! That’s how you know know it was serious.

But what does a person who takes Five Hour Energy aspire to?

Being the smarmy office know-it-all who goes around raising his eyebrows and thumbing at their laconic cubicle-mates?

Really? What, are you going to out-grin these people with all your energy?


You need to take an energy drink so you can be a better drone?

Give me a fucking break.

And remember kids: “No crash” means no sugar crash.

Now get off my lawn!

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One thought on “The Man Who Could Only Smirk

  1. That’s AWESOME. I was actually jonesin’ for some Jolt Cola the other day. No smarmy-ness from this girl. At least, not at the office. :)

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